2013 Wellness Challenge Week 21: Listen

I’ve been told in the past that I’m not a very good listener. It’s not because I don’t want to hear what other people have to say. It’s more that my mind works very, very quickly and sometimes I get really excited about things and interrupt others before they have a chance to finish. This is very frustrating for the other person.

That’s why this week I wanted to work on listening.

The first kind of listening is pretty straightforward: keep your mouth shut while another person is talking. I tried really hard to let other people finish, even when I wanted to finish their sentences for them. I let go of my fear that I was going to forget what I wanted to say if I didn’t get it out right away and trusted that whatever was important would be remembered by the time the other person finished speaking.

This was sometimes tough for me, but with diligence and practice I know I can get better.

The Second Kind of Listening

A second, more secretive aspect of listening came up for me as well that I didn’t notice as much until the end of the week. This kind of listening is all about presence.

I often find myself in group conversations where I feel isolated and alone because everyone in the group is talking about a particular subject that does not interest me in the slightest. I really enjoy hanging out with my boyfriend and our friends, but all of them are pilots (except for me) and they talk a lot about planes. I can talk about travel and flying on your hands, but I can’t tell you much about the technical aspect of an airplane. And if you’ve ever had to sit through a military conversation you’ll know that the overuse of acronyms has you utterly lost after the first two words.

This means that I’m sitting around, sometimes for hours, not listening. I escape from the conversation by physically leaving and doing something else or retreating to my thoughts. Though I may be physically present, mentally I’m not listening to a word they are saying. And this is problematic.

When relating with other people, it’s courteous to be present, whether or not you enjoy the topic of conversation. When you retreat into your thoughts or physically leave, you may be helping your sanity by removing yourself from an uncomfortable situation, but in a way you’re also slighting yourself from a growth opportunity.

Sitting in half pigeon or horse pose for five minutes might be physically uncomfortable, but I’ve managed to overcome such challenges. It’s the mental challenges that still trip me up. Mentally, I need to get stronger. I need to challenge myself to be present even when I’m not comfortable.

This is not to say that presence is always the best solution but in my particular case it’s a good start to improving my relationship skills.

The Third Kind of Listening

But what was most surprising to me in my listening experiment was how quickly I remembered that there is more to listening than just hearing what another person says. I remembered that listening to my own body counts too.

When I was tired, listening meant giving myself permission to take a nap. When my plans changed unexpectedly multiple times, listening meant doing what I felt and knew was right rather than push through and stick with my to-do list.

At the end of the day, listening became more about flexibility than anything else. Listening is a skill that requires a ton of compassion – compassion for others but also self-compassion.

We are nearly halfway through our 2013 Wellness Challenge and wellness and self-care is becoming more and more about compassion each and every day!

Are you a good listener? Let me know about your listening strategies in the comments below.

Image credit: elycefeliz